Identity crisis X.Y

I miss being young, light and pretty, when I was superficial and my own limiting factor, when I held life by the balls and lacked that awareness. I wouldn’t trade my current place for it, and yet I miss it. I don’t know how to be selfless enough to ignore my ego. I want too many things while also wanting less. I can’t forget who I was and of all I was capable. I know some of the offsets were unfavorable. I know many variables have changed, but the binary was easy and so gratifying. The always-in-flux complexity is richer and fuller, but awkward and so damn hard. I used to think I worked hard when really I was simply able to commit to a few things, tirelessly, and had the ability and enthusiasm to do so with ease. I didn’t know my needs beyond achieving. That made it all so easy. So. Fucking. Easy. Now there are friction, limits and constraints, competing factors whose rank is now my responsibility to assign. Elegance is replaced with fumbles. The clean is now messy. What happened to my innocence, my boldness, my naivete? I can’t resolve the contradiction of my ability to accept change when it comes to anything other than myself.

How do I let go of the former me and embrace this person I am at present? How do I reject can = should? How do I accept less (from me)? How is less defined, and why am I inclined to apply the binary view that less is negative, a detraction? Isn’t less sometimes more?

We reap what we sow

A twelve-year-old girl with a “kill list” has been expelled from school. POLICE WERE INVOLVED!!!

Twelve. She’s a fucking kid.

What’s next? A toddler being arrested for throwing a block at his brother’s head?

If we treat people like thieves and idiots, we get thieves and idiots. (Use any other nouns you wish.)

When we hold children to unreasonably high standards with total disregard for their emotional and cognitive abilities, we do damage.

Yes, a twelve-year-old is capable of knowing that that type of list is not appropriate. But emotions drive children’s actions. Saying that you want to kill someone is a pretty common childhood expression at one point or another. Not that it should be accepted, but nurturing, not punishment, is the appropriate course of action.

A twelve year old in that situation should be treated like a child. The first step is to connect with the child, and then try to understand what’s going on. (Was she feeling mad or sad or __________? What was the impetus for the list? Does she want to hurt those other children? Does she want their attention? A million questions could happen here.) A discussion about appropriate conduct (writing that in your journal might be okay, taking a list to school is not. Teach her ways to manage and dis-empower her anger/feelings.). Let her know that she’s supported rather than alienating her and treating her like a CRIMINAL. Once the situation is understood, she should be held accountable: encouraged to address the classmate who turned her in, to apologize for scaring her, and to acknowledge to the administration that her action was wrong, that she won’t do such a thing again. Kids deserve the space to fall, to learn, to grow.

Criminalizing children never helps, it only stunts, distorts, damages.

I wish sensibility could trump fear, but with our inclination to defer our authority to anyone else, how could it?


Dad’s Eulogy

This is the eulogy I read at my father’s memorial service on March 18, 2018. I did not edit it for grammatical correctness.

Thank you for coming today. I’m Mike’s oldest daughter, Mel(anie). It’s overwhelming and comforting that so many people care about my father.

It seems to me that eulogies often comprise a slew of compliments and favorable adjectives. I don’t know if those I’ve heard have been for truly remarkable humans, or if in one’s grief, people focus on all of the good about their loved ones. That would make sense. But that’s not my aim, today. I don’t think my father was the greatest human being on the planet or the most amazing father in the whole world. But he was my father, and I loved him, enjoyed him and accepted him even when I wanted to clock him. He was an imperfect human being who was both kind and short-tempered. He loved us, his family and friends and maybe drove them nuts at times. My dad was real. He was humble, hard-working and authentic. He did not aim to please those around him.

My dad held many jobs and roles in his 59 years: he was a miner, a steel worker and a maintenance supervisor. He was a councilman, a baseball umpire, a volunteer fireman and more. He had many loves and hobbies: his family, our community in Seward, bowling, Cellas cherries, Sheetz coffee, Centrum Silver, Pittsburgh sports, guns, archery, deer, fishing, poker, Bob Seger and Jim Croce.

My dad taught me everything I know about fishing. He was an outdoorsman for most of his life, and in the recent past still-so at heart. My dad taught me how to fish, camp, make Red Rose tea with milk and sugar, canoe and garden (or at least eat the vegetables from it). He taught me the injustices of an overprotective father who wouldn’t let me play baseball “with the boys” nor work in the garage. But he did teach me how to fix a popped bike-chain and to diagnose and repair a busted tube, which was pretty much everything I needed to know during my adolescence. He taught me how to start a fire, make mountain pies, shave marshmallow sticks and put the fire out when I was done.

I learned what conservation was before ever hearing the word. Dad taught me to turn off the lights, to use water sparingly while brushing my teeth and how not to litter. I remember driving into Pittsburgh one night to visit Aunt Anne after my great-grandmother had died. The city was bright with lights. I had thought to myself Don’t they know they’re wasting electricity? My third-grade self felt indignant.

My dad was loud. Whether barking out commands and expressions of exasperation, or laughing and engaging happily with those he loved, his voice boomed. It always startled me, even as an adult.

My father might have been a little impatient. He taught me that when caught in a battle-of-wills with an inanimate object, the best course of action is to swear, and to throw or otherwise harm said object. This lesson isn’t a fruitful one, but launching an object while telling it off sure does feel good in the moment. (Or so I’m told.)

Through my dad, I learned some complex lessons pertaining to the head and the heart.

I learned that acceptance is all there really is when it comes to loving someone.

And not mutually exclusive from that is the inability to make someone else’s decisions for them. My dad loved Budweiser and Marlboro Lights 100s. It didn’t matter how much we preached to him about their risks, asked him to stop or exerted the energy to be angry about these habits: he chose them anyway. As I got smarter, I accepted these choices as his, and alleviated myself of the presumed responsibility for him. And now I’m left wondering what drove him to such habits to begin with.

He taught me how to be married to one person through the messy and complex dance that is life. He wasn’t always the best at showing his love for my mother, but it was obvious in the way he worried about her. It was obvious when, after a procedure at the hospital, he held her hand tightly, and cried when she let go before she left for work.

My dad believed in God, and his faith was strong. Stronger than I could ever relate to. As such, I wanted to incorporate something biblical, and the first thing that came to mind was the passage from First Corinthians, Chapter 13: Faith, hope, love remain, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

When I was a kid, Dad used to say he was the richest man in the world…because of us. I thought it was corny and weird, and I even thought he was BS-ing me a bit. But as I’ve moved through life, I’ve grown to believe him. And, I get it. He never fixated on what he didn’t have, and what he had was enough. He loved us, and he was loved.

My kids and I were excited to visit Dad last week in PA. I thought it would be the calm before the storm, that the kids could get some quality time with him before he withered away due to the cancer and the chemo. While driving to PA on Tuesday, my sister called and told me to take her off speaker. Once I had, she said, “Dad’s gone.”

Gone. Dad was gone. Dad IS gone. What does that even mean? Maybe it’s because his death was sudden and unexpected. Maybe I’m still in shock. Whatever the reason, I still can’t comprehend it. But I’m trying.

I know I won’t hear him say, “Hey kid,” or, “Yeeeeeeeeeeep,” or hear him bitching at Mom or admonishing whatever sports team pissed him off on the television.

My kids will never again say, “Hi Pap-pap.”

I won’t see him grow old or be further decimated by cancer or the chemo.

Thus far, all I can understand (partially) is that I won’t hear him, anymore. But I can feel him. I feel him in the necklace I’m wearing around my neck and in the music he loved. And I see him. I see him in the snow flakes, in the birds soaring through the air, in the deer tracks in the yard, in the river, in the trees, the animals, the sunrise….

No longer bound to his physical body, he is everywhere.

Patience and Compassion

I’m an impatient person. I have ALWAYS been impatient. (Ask my mom about the raging tantrums I threw as a baby.) I’m reminded of the time I expressed my impatient disposition to Tom T. during my time at GM. He said, “You can only manage your weaknesses; you can never truly get rid of them.” Throughout my life and experiences, and specifically, motherhood, I have, true to Tom T.’s sentiment, slowly learned to behave more patiently, even though I don’t always feel patient, internally. My children have definitely been my spiritual guides to patience.

Before my initial ascension of the Infinite Learning Curve of Patience, I often resorted to reducing things and people to stupid if they didn’t fit in to my vision of smart, right or whatever. I can’t even estimate how many times I’ve said, “That’s SO stupid.”

It’s pretty embarrassing to think about that, because now days I possess more compassion than I did before motherhood, and I am a recovering the-world-revolves-around-me type of thinker. Now, when someone doesn’t perform to my standards, the question I ask myself is Was my expectation was fair to begin with?  rather than What in the hell is wrong with that person? I also consider what a person might be going through and how they have been shaped throughout their lifetime, acknowledging that there’s far more I can’t know rather than do know about any given person (or situation).

Patience and compassion. Two gifts acquired along my mothering journey thus far.

How’s that for a paradigm shift?

Choose happiness

**This is a blog transplant from my private blog Positive from April 1, 2014, which I edited a bit for this post.**

My last post was very romantic, sharing accounts of intimate moments with my kids. But let’s be real, there are plenty of moments when I stare blankly while ingesting copious amounts of chocolate, listening to the kids scream and cry, hoping it will cease before my brain explodes. Or times when I see red because M just won’t stop hurting my other baby. Parenting is stressful, VERY stressful, and some moments/hours/perhaps even days/weeks just suck.

I think it’s important that mothers feel entitled to express their grief and tribulations as they raise their adults-to-be. Venting can be an effective mechanism to relieve stress, and sharing the woes of motherhood with others can be validating and most therapeutic.

As with everything in life, however, there is threshold, a tipping point beyond which venting frustrations becomes overly negative to the extent that it might spill over into other aspects of one’s life, parenting, friendships, and so on. Once upon a time it was my observation of people who were constantly annoyed or in combat with their kids that left me leery about wanting to become a mother, myself. Negativity, in general, is never attractive, and I didn’t want to hate my life or myself, not to mention my kids.

When I became pregnant with M and started a parenting blog, I chose to name it Positive as a sort of triple entendre: 1. the pregnancy test indicator was a plus sign 2. I made a commitment to myself to give my child(ren) positive experiences, and 3. perhaps more importantly, I was going to enjoy motherhood as a positive time in my life. I didn’t want my experiences to be like many of those which I had observed where parents seemed miserable and out of control of themselves and disconnected from the fact that they were engaging with children.

Our perception is reality
Make no mistake, I’m not suggesting that we lie to ourselves and pretend that every moment of parenting is fantastic. It’s not. I’m very much a realist, and I know there is frustration, anger, pain and madness. But I also know that the good doesn’t invalidate the bad, and that the bad doesn’t invalidate the good.

Being a realist requires having appropriate expectations, and I think this is what helps me the most. I simply expect and accept that we’ll have rough days. I expect and accept that my children will push boundaries and one another as they find their way out of wee-dom. I expect and accept that their capabilities and limitations (mentally, emotionally, and physically) are/will be in a constant state of flux, well into their teen years (and beyond). I expect and accept that I’ll make a zillion mistakes as I navigate my way through motherhood.

Accepting the ups and the downs is, in my opinion, the first step to being able to parent more positively (for everyone involved).

When we know better, we do better (a little nugget of wisdom that I first heard spoken by my midwife). I accept that. I embrace it. I don’t really kick myself over mistakes passed. I’m much more inclined to look forward for a chance to do better next time. I’m also likely to look ahead (to tomorrow or even a few years down the road) to try to pull myself out of any funk I might fall in to.

I noticed a poster on the wall at the dentist’s office that said “Choose Happiness” and was immediately reminded of a friend, specifically because she told me that she cognizant-ly chose happiness during the aftermath of her stillbirth. I think of her all the time, how she still thrives in the face of great loss, the way she continues to live, mother, be a wife and a friend and a midwife, all the while enduring a loss that is truly indescribable and will never go away.

Choice. Perspective.

The way we experience life stems from our perspective of it. We do have a choice. We can be respectful to our children even when we’re livid. We can clean the slate and have a do-over. We can take a step back and calm down when we’re losing our patience. We can let go of anger and frustration and just be (wrong, right, or nothing at all). We can let things slide once in a while. We’re not always the best versions of ourselves. There are countless reasons to excuse one’s responsibility for their perspective. We can choose how we address and grow from the challenges that come before us.

I like to say that if we treat people like thieves and idiots, we’ll get thieves and idiots. I extrapolate this to motherhood as well: if I treat my kids like adversaries who annoy the shit out of me, what kind of adults can I expect them to become? What kind of relationship will we have decades from now? I try to roll with the punches. I apologize when I lose my shit. I adore and affectionately engage with my little guys as much as I can. I choose to be happy with them and myself, overall, rather than dwell on our collective mishaps. And when the going gets rough, I eat chocolate.

My boys

**This is a blog transplant. I originally published it to my private blog Positive on March 17, 2014.**

Gently and lovingly, I push back the furry, red curls popping out around his ears, smoothing them down, admiring the light glistening off his sweet head of hair. Admiring every curvature of his face and those gorgeous, enrapturing, blue eyes, I breathe deeply, slowly, recording every aspect of his beautiful existence to memory. He’ll never be this way again, this wobbly-walking, squawking, jump-in-my-lap-shower-me-with-cuddles cutie ever again. Sweet, sweet C.

Admiring the way he studies every movable object, determined to understand its inner workings, my heart swells. Today it was the lower rack of the dishwasher that C hulked away from the door and onto the floor. M put it back, moving it, examining the rollers, iteratively figuring out its proper position. After ensuring it rolled smoothly in and out, he asserted that he’d fixed it; not sure who was prouder, he or I.

At bedtime he approach C as I nursed him; he snuggled him, gently and sweetly, whispering goodnight before climbing into his bed. Brothers.

Sustenance for my soul.

Never again will my boys be exactly who they are at this time. Each day I balance romance against turbulence, love against frustrations, all in the name of appreciating and celebrating each version of my boys as they progress toward adulthood, lest I look back with regret at being too overwhelmed with the work and commitment of motherhood. It’s not easy. Nothing is sweeter than the sweet, nothing is as complicated, infuriating nor exhausting as the challenge. Neither invalidates the other, but romanticizing their cuteness, innocence, and wonderment is the very best part.