I miss being young, light and pretty, when I was superficial and my own limiting factor, when I held life by the balls and lacked that awareness. I wouldn’t trade my current place for it, and yet I miss it. I don’t know how to be selfless enough to ignore my ego. I want too many things while also wanting less. I can’t forget who I was and of all I was capable. I know some of the offsets were unfavorable. I know many variables have changed, but the binary was easy and so gratifying. The always-in-flux complexity is richer and fuller, but awkward and so damn hard. I used to think I worked hard when really I was simply able to commit to a few things, tirelessly, and had the ability and enthusiasm to do so with ease. I didn’t know my needs beyond achieving. That made it all so easy. So. Fucking. Easy. Now there are friction, limits and constraints, competing factors whose rank is now my responsibility to assign. Elegance is replaced with fumbles. The clean is now messy. What happened to my innocence, my boldness, my naivete? I can’t resolve the contradiction of my ability to accept change when it comes to anything other than myself.
How do I let go of the former me and embrace this person I am at present? How do I reject can = should? How do I accept less (from me)? How is less defined, and why am I inclined to apply the binary view that less is negative, a detraction? Isn’t less sometimes more?